Anatomy of a Mermaid

From here.

Pint-Sized Club

I saw David Sedaris! Well, that wasn’t quite a feat since I actually went to a book store where he was scheduled to read. But, I was standing in line at the in-store café and staring at the baked goods from a slight distance when a small man accompanied by a bleach-blonde stewardess-type got in my line of vision. I think, at this point, I cursed under my breath. Something like, “Get out of the way motherfucker,” because I enjoy rolling like a passive-aggressive gangsta. I was still fuming about the interruption in my pastry-selection thought-process when I heard a commotion behind me. I turned around to see a tall girl in a white tube dress accompanied by a be-suited gay boy beaming like they’d just seen Santa. But no, it was only one of his elves, Mr. David Sedaris himself, who I’d just called a motherfucker in a fairly loud whisper. I’m not sure why I didn’t recognize him right off the bat. I’ve seen plenty of pictures of the guy. But I wasn’t expecting him to be so tiny! Which is what I said to the gay boy and tall girl, rather loudly, right as Mr. Sedaris walked past. Needless to say, I didn’t wait in line for the book signing. For that reason and because I tend to read while I eat, which leads to dipping books in my meals. It’s just not worth having a signed copy with ketchup stains.

When I finally got my cupcake, I sat down at the back of the café next to the window. I pulled out one of the books I had purchased and started to read. Mr. Sedaris wasn’t going to speak for another half-hour, at the least. I had pretty much dissolved into my novel when I heard someone yell, “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT KIND OF BIRD THAT IS?”

I looked up, disoriented, and saw the confused faces of my fellow customers. Who the fuck yells in a book store café? “Does anyone know what that bird is?” the woman said in a quieter voice, now that she had our attention. She was wearing a hat declaring some kind of affiliation with a veterans group and her companions were wearing American flag clothing. Ah, Republicans. It all made sense. Who the hell else would yell out shit in a café?

But I was curious about this bird and looked out the window. I could see no birds. For better or for worse, I turned around and asked, “What bird?”

“The one on top of the building,” the woman replied. I craned my neck and my eye caught on a stationary figure above the entrance to Sears.

“You mean the owl decoy?” I said. “It’s plastic. The nice people of Sears don’t want to have their customers get pooped on.” I said “poop” to a stranger.

“How do you know it’s plastic?” the lady challenged me. Those Republicans are always swift like that.

“Ummm…it has a glare coming off it. It hasn’t moved. Usually owls aren’t shiny,” I said, making my case.

“I still don’t believe you. It has moved,” the lady insisted.

“The glare might be making it look like it moved,” I countered, then gave up. The Republicans talked amongst themselves for a while. I think they eventually adopted my explanation. Ah, how I’ve missed my random encounters with the unwashed, eccentric masses. With all the reading I do for school, I don’t get out much these days, which minimizes my exposure to the random acts of weirdness that make the world go round.

In any case, I wound up not feeling so bad about making the “short” remark within hearing range David Sedaris. He acknowledged his small stature by insisting that all men under 5’6”, like him, go directly to the front of the line for the book signing. He called it the “Pint-Sized Club.” How freakin’ cute is that?