The (Not-So) Bold and the Beautiful

Recently, Ruth and I were discussing tits – specifically my apathy toward men staring at my cleavage. The reasons for my indifference are threefold: 1) I don’t usually notice since most men take up very little of my attention. 2) Even if I did notice, why should I care? Over my dead body would they be touching the girls. 3) I’ve been known to stare at other women’s boobs, so why should I get mad when men stare at mine? Wouldn’t that be hypocritical?

To this end, Ruth gave me the best Christmas gift I received this holiday season. She made me a necklace of fake pearls and black and white letter beads that reads, “GO AHEAD AND STARE YA BASTARDS,” which dangles just low enough to hit the top of my rack. Its message conveys a little bit more hostility toward the situation than I’d typically profess, but it’s still fucking hilarious. God bless her; Ruth’s a good friend.

Whilst on the subject, Ruth and I got together for lunch today and we encountered what has to be one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in person. We were eating at a chain restaurant near her work when I caught, out of the corner of my eye, the sight of this girl who looked a little like Lara the Soup Chef, only less cute and more stunningly gorgeous, if you can imagine that. Needless to say, every time she passed within my range of vision, I tried to get a better view. Seriously, it’s rare to see anyone that damn Hollywood beautiful in my neck of the woods.

Before Ruth could mock my blatant staring, I whispered, “That lady’s pretty!” to her across the table. She then informed me that the woman was one of the managers of the place and had been there since its opening. Apparently, when Ms. Hotter-Than-Lara-the-Soup-Chef started out, she was a horrible waitress. Ruth sarcastically added, “She definitely didn’t get that position by skill alone.”

Ruth ordered desert and we were digging in when she bit down on a piece of plastic. It looked like the tine of a fork or something. Ruth told me to flag down the manager, and I felt my heart go aflutter at the thought of getting to see her up close. We managed, however, to catch the attention of our waitress first. Ruth politely handled the situation by saying that it wasn’t a big deal, but they might want to throw out the rest of the cake should there be more plastic bits lurking. The waitress made amends by promising to take the desert off our bill and bring us a new one.

The situation had mostly resolved itself through the deft customer service of our server, so I had just about given up hope that Hot Manager Lady would drop by our table when she suddenly appeared. Seen at close range, she didn’t disappoint - and she had some kind of British accent to boot. I mostly just gawked at her and tried not to drool. She reiterated the waitress’s apologies and gave us each $5.00 discount cards. Ruth thanked her, as I was unable to speak. Noticing my dazed awe, Ruth remarked, “Not a lot of people are gonna argue with that!” I agreed.

I do have to wonder how in the hell Ms. Super Gorgeous wound up waitressing at a restaurant in a strip mall in Massachusetts. She should be in LA with rest of her preternaturally stunning flock. Even though I’m kind of a snob about eating at chain restaurants, you betcha I’ll be using that $5.00 off coupon.